These were my thoughts during a very difficult time for some very good friends. I didn't want to relegate them to only my “blog” archive.
May 22, 2003
HEARTBREAK & HOPE
They named him Everett Joseph and were going to call him E.J.
He was born tonight. He died tonight.
I was preparing to leave for Lisa's "Hero's Dinner" when the call came...my friend John. I didn't recognize his voice. I could hear only his pain.
John's wife, Denise, was in "full blown labor". He didn't
have to say anything more. I knew.
Denise was 22 weeks along. The pregnancy was a surprise and a blessing, but it had also been shrouded in the dark whisper of fear. Several years ago John and Denise lost another baby,
eight and half months into the pregnancy.
A little girl.
E.J. was born as I sat at Lisa's dinner without her mother by my side. Amy was instead in a hospital delivery room beside Denise as she became a mother again.
E.J. died as I drove home from the banquet sobbing and thanking God for the blessing of healthy children.
I pray that John and Denise will eventually be able to carry these wounds with grace. They will always be
wounds…they will never be scars. From this you do not heal.
Why would God allow such suffering? I do not know. I do know I believe in God.
I know at times like tonight I will have to believe without all the answers.
PSALM 119:28
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
May 23, 2003
OFFERINGS
Somewhat consumed today with the inconceivable anguish facing John and Denise. Stopped by the hospital on my way home from the office. John had shifted gears into "stoic" mode, focusing all his attentions on Denise. I
hugged him. I hugged Denise. I reminded them both that no one expected them not to be angry...not to grieve. No one even expected them not to doubt God right now.
However I do expect them to understand that Amy and I
aren't going to let them do those things alone. We are going to be "in their face" loving them. It was all I could offer.
Where is God in these situations? That's what's scary . That's what's reassuring. God is
where we've always said He is...in our strength...in our love.
"We are the body of Christ"
PSALM 59:16
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you
are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.
May 24, 2003
SORROW STONES
Psalm 69:29
I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me
Would you lay with me in a field of stone, if my needs were strong, would you lay with me..*
There was only one date on her grave: February 11, 2000. The tiny stone lay in a grassy sea of mournful memories. The graves of children.
Will you still love me when I'm down and out, in my time of trial, would you stand by me.
Her name was Marie and I stood above her headstone today a few feet away from her brother's tiny casket. Her Mom, Dad, brother and step-sister were crouched beside the ivory coffin, holding each other, crying in anguish.
Would you go away to another land, walk a thousand miles through the burning sand, wipe the blood away from my dying hand, if I give myself to you.
A tiny frayed bunny sits atop Marie's headstone...now her tiny brother rests nearby.
Would you lay with me in the stream of life when the moon is full, would you bathe with me...
So much heartbreak today, acknowledged in a field of sorrow. A preacher said uncomfortable words of comfort that will be quickly forgotten. There are no adequate words, we all knew that.
Everett Joseph was born and died.
There will be only one date on his headstone too: May 22, 2003.
Would you lay with me in a field of stone, if my needs were strong, would you lay with me...
This is the ugly grimace of grief. No one ever wants to look at it directly, yet we all must...if we are ever to look beyond it.
*”Lay with me” -David Allen Coe