The Main Point by Michael Main

Saturday, August 07, 2004

When Zero Adds Up

I have accomplished absolutely nothing today. I came home from the hospital, napped, wrote a little and then was planning on working in the yard. I got sidetracked by an effort to set up something on one of our websites, but was about to let that be, when the doorbell rang.

It was Tiffany, my eldest stepdaughter.

She said, "MI hadmpth uh denthist appointhmenth andth thoufth I'd droup by to thee you"

Translation: she had been to the dentist and was still a little numb.

Anyway, we ended up talking for a long while. She asked some questions about how her Mom was doing and told me she was heading to the hospital next. She let me vent quite a bit.

Then she said some of the kindest things to me that she's ever said.

I pretty much fell apart.

We hugged. She went on her way.

I cried a little as she drove off.

I haven't accomplished anything today...

This is a day I will never forget.

Short Circuiting Sleep

Let's be clear on this....hospitals are lousy places to sleep. They're fine if you have a ready supply of drugs, but for those of us who went through our entitlement of pharmaceuticals in the 70's, a hospital is a very difficult place to get any rest.

I'm not sure how many Naugas had to die to make the Naugahyde bed/chair/torture device upon which I camped last night, but I'm certain of this much, although I've never seen one, Naugas certainly can't be fluffy little creatures.

The real issue in trying to sleep in a hospital is the constant noise. There are various devices monitoring Amy at all times. For the first few hours I was attempting to sleep, one of those gadgets, a PulSox meter - which measures her oxygen and pulse rate - kept sounding an alarm. I don't mean a weenie little "I'm a car alarm wailing you can ignore me alarm", I mean a "WAKE UP!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! ALARM!"

It's very effective... unless apparently you are the person hooked up to it

I bounded out of my modern day torture rack each time it happened and rushed to Amy's side, initially I actually thought it was a hospital fire alarm. Amy slept through it.

I finally figured out that we had a defective PulSox machine which believed it had a bad battery. Amy's breathing and pulse rate were fine... as evidence I'd work in a mention of snoring here but she's already going to throttle me for the above photo....so let's forget I mentioned snoring okay?

I will mention I leapt out of bed a short time later when I noticed Amy getting up. I thought she might have needed help with something, but then I noticed her eyes were closed. I cautiously said, "Amy?" She opened her eyes, smiled at me adoringly and said, "Oh, I was dreaming I was shopping at Aldies."

I tucked her back into bed wondering why she would be dreaming of Aldies, which for those of you who don't know is a grocery store chain. A grocery store chain we don't have in Texas...never have. Amy has not shopped at Aldies since before we were married to the best of my knowledge. I'll let the family dream interpreter figure that one out, although I suspect he'll beg off citing the morphine as a factor precluding any Jungian analysis.

I crawled back into my makeshift bed...did a crossword puzzle, and started to drift back into slumber...

"WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Okay...it was time to do something about the PulSox machine gone haywire. Moments later Amy's very attentive nurse - who hates cameras by the way...the things you learn on the night shift - eventually found us another PulSox machine and I again attempted to sleep. I did manage to dream for a moment or two but my thoughts were haunted. Do you know what a PulSox machine looks like? Did you ever see the movie "Short Circuit?"

Maybe in the bright light of day no one sees the connection, but last night for me it was the stuff of nightmares...at least the brief ones I managed to squeeze in between interruptions.

Following the PulSox pulmonary experience - which by the way sounds like a great name for a theme park ride - I was awoken by various other alarms indicating fluid drips had stopped dripping and also by a male nurse who wanted to know if Amy had used the restroom recently. He actually inquired if I had perhaps taken a measurement "of her output." I pointed him toward the chart on the bathroom door where this vital information is dutifully recorded by Amy, and rolled back over thinking discomforting dreams of PulSox pariahs couldn't be much worse unless of course the pee measuring male nurse made a cameo appearance in them.

Then a woman came in to the room...to clean.

It was 3 in the morning. All the lights were off, and this very delightful woman - also not keen on cameras by the way- came in and quietly removed the trash, picked up some other debris, and lovingly checked Amy making sure her blankets were covering her. I found it very sweet...odd, but sweet. She didn't inquire about body fluids, but noticing I was now wide awake she did ask about the picture I had brought of the family.

Having given up any hope of sleep, I began doing crossword puzzles. I knocked out two and then foolishly thought, "I bet I could get in an hours nap now."

I gently closed my eyes and rolled over onto the only spot on my back which wasn't throbbing from previous attacks by the Naugachair-creature. I prayed a little, thanking God that Amy was resting well and that despite my minor discomforts, she was getting good care. I started to drift off and then...

"WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

I couldn't believe it. I went over to check the PulSox meter and this time it was actually doing its job, Amy's breathing had dipped one notch below what is deemed acceptable. I nudged her, and the numbers quickly rose.

I started another crossword puzzle and then the nurse came in. I asked about the PulSox alarm and she showed me that she carried a pager-like device which gave her continual read-outs of Amy's PulSox machine. She wasn't concerned by one ear-splitting alarm at all. I, of course, wondered since she had a pager that gave her such information, why it was necessary to have an alarm on the thing that rattled the plaster from the walls. I decided it was best not to ask.

About that time, Amy woke up briefly and the nurse checked her out. She gave her some medications, and then it was back to normal...unless you consider sleeping to be a normal activity at 4 a.m. on a Saturday.

I polished off the puzzle I was working on, feeling rather proud of myself - of course I now realize I may have written complete gibberish in the puzzle squares because I was so sleep deprived.

I knew I couldn't stay much longer. I had to get home and tend to the dogs and my original intention was do some yard work at the church in the cool of the morning.

I went over to Amy's bedside and prayed again. That certainly seemed like a better use of my time and I knew even if I was speaking gibberish God would know what I meant.

I packed up my stuff, folded away the blankets and the Nauga cruelty device before waking Amy to tell her I had to leave. She cried a little, the general frustration crying of someone who has been through an awful lot and doesn't really understand. I held her hand and kissed her.

Then I assured her I would be back tonight.

There's nothing that could keep me away.

==================
For the record: I got a nice nap in when I got home, and plan to nap more before going up to the hospital tonight. I don't want to sound too sleep deprived, or too noble.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Packed

I decided to do something unusual for a Friday night...spend the night with my wife. It's amazing...no matter how short the trip...I always over pack.

The Downs Of UPS

For some reason one of Amy's mail order prescriptions is coming by UPS, which means I have to sign for it. We've had plenty of experience in missing deliveries and then having to plead with UPS to give us another shot, or go pick the item up at the UPS office. Even though Amy is hospitalized and doesn't need the medication right away, I figured I didn't need the hassle. I knew if I missed the delivery today, I'd be playing this stupid game all next week. So today I thought I'd dedicate myself to being here...waiting.

Waiting for the UPS guy.

I mean, how long could it take?

I had my "tracking number" and everything which meant I was able to log onto the UPS website where it tells me the package arrived in San Antonio at 3 a.m.

It arrived at the airport about 6 miles from our home...15 hours ago.

The UPS guy must be taking the long way here.

Of course I wasn't really able to get in a nap today for fear of missing the UPS man.
I couldn't go on my daily walk.
My planned return to the hospital was put on hold.

I'm still waiting.

I'm being held hostage by UPS!

At least now I know that the UPS slogan "What can brown do for you today?" is not a rhetorical question.

I know the answer.

They can show up!

***I promise as soon as I was about to hit publish on this...the UPS guy rang the doorbell

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Fixed

I fixed something!

At least temporarily.

Regular readers of my exploits are well acquainted with my lack of skills. I believe up until today the only things I've ever had regular success at fixing were pets, and I accomplished that by turning away and then writing someone a check.

I fully intended to head out on a walk when I got back from the hospital today but I became distracted, first with the website, then by a call from Amy's surgeon. He and I seem to keep missing each other so today I left word virtually everywhere in the hospital for him to call me, and he did. I have a better idea of his thoughts now. He has a better idea of mine. As far as Amy is concerned, patience is still the order of the day.

Anyway, it was a fairly long conversation and by the time it ended I knew it was too hot to walk so I decided to do the unthinkable: straighten up our computer room. Our philosophy for this room has basically been that it appears clean as long you don't turn your head away from the computer screen and look in any direction.

It turned into more of a project than I expected, and I was about to declare the job complete when I decided to move the fan which we use primarily for the benefit of the dogs, who stay up here most of the time. I grabbed the fan and heard, "CRACK!"

Not good.

This is one of those floor stand fans, which I think we bought at Big Lots for 99 cents and four sticks of gum. I knew it wasn't going to stand up to intensive use, but I did expect to be able to move it occasionally. Fully aware that I have no luck with repair jobs of any form I cautiously eyed the fans innards, and I actually managed to locate the problem. It was the nut that holds the back of fan guard to the housing. Since this fan was such a bargain, this key piece which holds the entire thing together is made of the most sturdy substance known to man...cheap plastic.

I was able to disassemble the fan enough to get to the nut while still feeling fairly confident that I could put things back together, and had no difficulty screwing the nut back in place. It was a little challenging getting the fan guards on again - okay, getting them on again right side up - but I managed to do it. I felt proud until I turned the thing on and nothing happened.

I'm still not certain why this plastic nut has anything to do with the way the fan motor turns, but it does...believe me. I took everything apart, turned on the fan, and it started spinning like someone from Washington appearing on a Sunday morning talk show. I put it back together....nothing.

I finally deduced the nut was cracked. Somewhere in this house there are 18 little vials of superglue, I know because I've bought them all, each time saying, "I know we have super glue in this house somewhere". As with all the previous occasions, today I couldn't find any of them, but I wasn't going to out and buy another.

So I kept at it, trying to get the nut in place enough to convince the motor to spin. Suddenly, I succeeded!

But, when I put the fan guard on...nothing.

This process was repeated more times than I care to admit before somehow I got the stupid thing put together and it actually worked. It's still working, although admittedly I don't know why.

It's not making any funny sounds, and I have no plans to touch it so it should continue to function.

Once I was convinced it wasn't going to fall apart and the fan blade wasn't going to fly off like something from a rejected Wes Craven script, I couldn't help but stand back and admire my handiwork with a new found sense of accomplishment.

I actually put my hands on my hips and laughed haughtily, "I shall be defeated by no fan!"

Bare Spots

My very generous website host has had a serious meltdown today, which I think was a combination of hackers, hacker proofing, and hardware failure all at once, but I put my reportorial instincts aside when we spoke this morning knowing answering questions is not always a productive use of time in a crisis.

My little website is not something he should have even concerned himself with, but still he quickly got it back up, at least to the point where I can rebuild it. At this moment you'll note some links that may not work, some pictures that may not show up (you may see them if they are cached).

There is a lesson in this...back up your website. The bigger lesson, back it up in some organized fashion.

In any case, the blog "content" is up, my email is working. I'm off to get in a walk before it gets too hot. Then I'll deal with this mess.

Say a small prayer for Real Live Webmaster...he's having a very rough day.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I See

I've mentioned before that most days when I sit down to write I have no specific topic in mind...today is different and I'm saying that as part of a longer disclaimer. Today I know what I'm going to write, but in the process of getting to my point it is going to appear somewhat egotistical. That's not my intent, so please bear with me.
===

I was described as "hot" the other day. This is not an adjective which readily rolls from the lips of people when they describe me. Lest I let that linger, allow me to quickly bring the remark into perspective by adding that it was Gordon, our pastor, who made that observation. Obviously, if for no other reason than to minimize the potential impact to Gordon's manliness, a bit more explanation is still necessary.

Gordon had come to the hospital to be with us during an especially difficult morning. Once we had passed through that morning's particular storm, I was preparing to leave and as I did so Gordon turned to Amy and said, "have you noticed how hot your husband is these days?" I understood this was meant as affirmation for me about my recent weight loss, but also Gordon was doing his pastoral best to make sure the mood remained light. In truth, "hot" is an extreme exaggeration, but had he said, "have you noticed your husband isn't so fat?", which is not something I would put past him; it wouldn't have had quite the impact.

The other day, I received an email from our eldest child, Tiffany, in which she mentioned she was praying for us and specifically that I would be able to "maintain that inexplicable composure that you're so good at."

I spoke with a close friend this morning, seeking his always wise counsel and during that conversation he said something to the effect that my "patience" was inspiring.

Earlier in the day I was stopped by one of my bosses at the office who inquired about Amy and then added he thought I was, as he put it, "stoic" in my ability to function at work with so many indefinites in our lives.

Our dear friend Kim - whom we're now forced to keep up with through her blog Goodnite Moon since she ran away to Mosquito Gulch, Oklahoma - left a comment to my post yesterday saying she is amazed at my "optimism".

Optimistic, patient, stoic, composed, and even hot - if you were to ask me to list 50 of my character traits, I honestly don't think one of those would be on the list. I don't see myself that way, although others obviously do...remember I've already conceded the hot comment has to be kept in context.

All this brings me to the point I wanted to make which as hard as it may be to believe, has little to do with me.

My point is about our friend, Rhonda. I wrote not too long ago about Rhonda being invaluable as Amy dealt with her pain and disillusionment at home, but I haven't mentioned that Rhonda has been at the hospital too. Every day and every night since Amy was readmitted last week, Rhonda has been there. She has explained to her family that she believes Amy needs her, her family has accepted that, and she has literally camped out in Amy's hardly comfortable hospital room. Rhonda knows I can't be there around the clock. She knows I have at times been worried sick and leaving Amy alone when she was having complications was only going to make everything worse. So Rhonda decided on her own to remain at Amy's side until things got better.

That was a huge commitment, especially since things have not progressed well and at times have gone very poorly. Still Rhonda has remained faithful and steadfast - providing a reassuring presence as much as anything.

It's been an enormous benefit to Amy to have someone there in the middle of the night when the pain has become unbearable, and it's been equally reassuring to me to know that Amy is not alone. I truly don't know what I would have done this week had Rhonda not made this decision.

I have tried to tell her how much it means to me. I choke up every time.

Rhonda is not a church-goer. I'm not certain she'd even define herself as a "Christian", but I look at Rhonda and see compassion without expectation. I see a faithful friendship which can not be rivaled. I see unconditional love and an honest desire to help Amy in every way possible.

I see things in Rhonda which I don't think Rhonda sees.

You see, I see Jesus...bright and clear.

I only pray that when Amy and I have overcome this latest hurdle, God will grant me the privilege to reflect that image back, so that Rhonda too will see Jesus within her as Amy and I do.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

A Long Day

There were additional setbacks for Amy today. Some positive things happened too. This ordeal has been more than either of us expected and right now all I can say is that I'm confident God is at work here somewhere. I pray in time it will be made clearer to me.

Monday, August 02, 2004

The Rules

I broke the rules today.

I stormed into the hospital shortly after dawn and raised my voice to nurses knowing full well that there would be two results: the nurses would get flustered and start paying attention to Amy, and Amy would become even more upset because she knew I was taking out my frustrations on the wrong people. She's right; the nurses I bullied today were not the ones who had ignored Amy's needs last night, those nurses were gone by the time I could break out of work early and rush to the hospital in what could almost constitute a rage.

None the less, my fuming got Amy some attention. It got us both some answers.

I broke the rules today.

There was a Deacons meeting tonight. I wasn't there. I knew I wouldn't be, I'm too tired and too emotional these days and I knew that my fellow Deacons would take the opportunity to focus on Amy and me. The result would be our situation would dominate the meeting, perhaps to the neglect of others in our church who are also in need.

I know the Deacons still prayed for us and discussed what the church could do. I took great comfort in knowing the church is there for us, I simply couldn't be there for it

I broke the rules today.

I finally got a decent nap this afternoon following a rather traumatic morning at the hospital, and woke up determined to get in a good frustration venting walk. It was hot, so I took along a bottle of water. That lasted about a block. It was real hot. Too hot to be walking, much less marching along like a mad man on a mission with hand weights no less. I completed the walk, but I did have to stop when I found a shady spot and sit for about five minutes for fear I might keel over dead.

Still I tired myself out, which I wanted to do...in truth I've been averaging about 2 hours sleep a night lately and it's manifesting itself in many ways.

I broke the rules today.

Upon returning from my walk in a sweaty heap, I immediately went the fridge and slammed down a diet Pepsi. I don't usually drink soft drinks at all, but it was cold and it was good. I then had an ice cream bar I found in the freezer and followed it with another. I haven't treated myself to real ice cream in many many months. Even when on vacation during our almost nightly family excursions to the ice cream shop I restricted myself to frozen yogurt.

I weighed in this afternoon at 179 pounds, less than I weighed in college. I don't think today's backsliding will sabotage my health regimen and considering the various ways I've attempted to escape pain in the past, it's almost laughable to even be discussing a diet Pepsi and frozen heath bar 'bender'.

I broke the rules today.

As I walked I listened to various songs I have on my pocket PC, every so often I change them out, one rule I have is make sure there is a lot of diversity in the song list. Today however there were two versions of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" that came up back to back. I listened to them both and remembered.

Even in times I am angry or weak, in those times when I make seemingly bad decisions or lapse into self pity and quick fix comforts. I am not alone and despite it all I am truly blessed.

In the end...God rules and He does not break.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Sunday Worship

I will worship God today without song.
I will worship the Lord today without sermon.

Members of our little church today will gather around a small wooden table.
They will pass bread and juice amongst themselves.
In this way they will remind themselves of a promise made long ago.

I will sit at Amy's hospital bedside with a Sunday paper and a big glass of iced tea.
Perhaps we will do a crossword puzzle.
We will worship God today...by being faithful to a promise too.

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Saturday, August 07, 2004

When Zero Adds Up

Short Circuiting Sleep

Friday, August 06, 2004

Packed

The Downs Of UPS

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Fixed

Bare Spots

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I See

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

A Long Day

Monday, August 02, 2004

The Rules

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Sunday Worship

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The Main Point by Michael Main ©

Past Ramblings
The Main Point Archives

Links & Stuff

Saturday, August 07, 2004

When Zero Adds Up

Short Circuiting Sleep

Friday, August 06, 2004

Packed

The Downs Of UPS

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Fixed

Bare Spots

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I See

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

A Long Day

Monday, August 02, 2004

The Rules

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Sunday Worship

Past RamblingsThe Main Point Archives

Custom Search

Past Ramblings
The Main Point Archives