Tell A Joke Saturday
Since I don't feel like writing today, I thought I'd simply open up the forum and let folks comment with their favorite "religious" joke. Presumably that will keep them clean. I'm going to turn off the word verification - which seems to confuse some folks - so anyone can comment, even folks who can't figure out the word verification.
I'll start things off with a stale, old joke that I still love:
An atheist finds himself in a jungle and spots a lion who also spots him. The atheist suddenly decides he might not be an atheist after all. He briefly stops running from the lion, drops to his knees and cries out, "God, please help me!"
Instantly he hears a voice saying, "I wish I could, but you don't even believe in Me."
Sweat pouring off his brow, the atheist replies, "I do now, and I pray that you'll make that lion chasing me a Christian too."
The atheist hears no response so he gets up and starts to run again. He nervously looks over his shoulder only to see the lion suddenly stop running.
The atheist let's out a huge sigh of relief....and then he notices the lion fall to its knees.
The atheist is even more relieved now....then he hears the lion say, "Dear God, thank you for this meal I am about to receive...."
posted by Michael
©The Main Point by Michael Main
4 Comments
4 Comments:
This is my all-time favorite minister-ish joke, as told to me by the wife of the former pastor of the church for which my former husband was associate pastor.
Three {insert favorite denomination here} ministers and their wives were driving to a ministers' retreat at Laity Lodge when they all died in a horrible car accident.
They met with St. Peter at {wait for it} The Pearly Gates.
The first minister steps up to St. Peter and St. Peter asks, "What do you want?" The man says "My name is Rev. Bob Johnson and my wife and I want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." So St. Peter checks his list and says, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you in because when you were alive you were greedy and all you thought about was money."
"MONEY?!?" cried Rev. Johnson, "You must be kidding! I've been a Baptist minister for over 30 years and I've pinched every penny I've ever made!" St. Peter replied, "That may be so, but you were so greedy and loved money so much that you married a girl named Penny!"
Rev. Johnson hung his head in shame and said, "you're right... I'm guilty." He and his wife, Penny, turned and walked away.
The second miniser stepped up and St. Peter said, "What do you want?" The second minister replied, "My name is Rev. John Robertson, and my wife and I want to enter the kingdom of heaven." So St. Peter checks his list and says, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you in because when you were alive, you lusted after liquor."
"LIQUOR?!?" cried Rev. Robertson, "You must be kidding! I've been a Baptist minister for over 30 years and not even a drop of alcohol has ever touched my lips!"
St. Peter replied, "That may be so, but you lusted so much for alcohol that you married a girl named Brandy!"
Rev. Robertson hung his head in shame and said, "you're right... I'm guilty." He and his wife, Brandy, turned and walked away.
The third minister turned to his wife and said, "C'mon, Fanny, we haven't got a chance."
One of my favourites:
Thibodaux asks his friend Boudreaux if he's found Jesus yet. Boudreaux tells him that he hasn't and askes where can he find him? Thibodaux tells Boudreaux, (imgagine cajun accent)"Just go down to the river and you'll find him in there."
The preacher man asks Boudreaux, "My brother are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes, I am!" Boudreaux answers excitedly.
The preacher man dips Boudreaux into the river and then brings him back up.
"Did you find Jesus, my brother?"
"Not yet," Boudreaux says.
The Preacher dumps his head in again and holds him under as he prays a bit.
He brings Boudreaux back up and says, "Did you find him this time, my brother?"
Boudreaux looks up and shakes his head and says, "Nope, not at all. Are you sure this is where he drowned?"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
So the pope is in prayer and suddenly he hears a voice from heaven,
I have some good news and some bad news.
The pope says, "Speak Lord, I'm listening!"
"The good news is there is only one true faith!"
The pope says, "But that's great, Lord, it's what we have always believed. What bad news could there be?"
"I'm speaking to you from Salt Lake City..."
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