Summer House V

It had been three years since she died. On my third night in Summer House that winter she came back to haunt my memories.

My sense of the injustice of it all had not subsided with the passage of time, if anything it had fermented into a brew perhaps less identifiable yet more toxic. Fueled by frustration and helplessness my feelings had merged with my worst fears and had begun to manifest themselves in cynicism and self pity.

Summer House can at times evoke the image of an old man, creaking and groaning for no apparent reason. When hit by gale force winds hurling ice and snow the noise escalates, the beams and boards seem to scream in an unnerving unison. That third night it was almost a constant howl, still it couldn't drown out my thoughts.

I had quickly discovered that the Summer House furnace was adequate enough to keep pipes from freezing, but during such a harsh storm it couldn't keep the frigid conditions at bay. I blamed the cold for my unease as I bundled up and made camp in the third floor bedroom. The room had a small fireplace which I stoked incessantly. Still I felt chilled...and alone. Occasionally an ember would escape the brick chamber and drift free in my direction. Without fail it would burn out an instant later.



I tried to resist her memory. I was certain that was the only true cure. Blot her from my thoughts and then my mind would be at peace. It was a strategy which had failed me often, and which nonetheless I unceasingly repeated.

She was 23 when we met. She had brown eyes highlighted with specks of green, something you wouldn't notice unless you abandoned all sense of propriety and stared at her features. I did that the moment I met her. Soon I learned she also had a deep and abiding faith which was pure and unblemished.

She died at the age of 35. I watched as she closed those beautiful eyes for the last time, her faith still in tact. I had been changed by her...now I was being changed by her absence.

"Explain it to me God", I muttered the words quietly at first. It was not the first time I had begun this one sided conversation. "Explain how You can give me all that I have ever wanted, and then rob me of it an instant later. Time means nothing to You, but it was all I had and I didn't have near enough."

I cursed the Lord loudly that night as the storm bore down on Water's Edge with training bands of sleet and snow. I hadn't looked up, much less outside. I didn't have to see out to know I would be trapped in Summer House now.

One trap was the same as the next.

I kept ranting at God and feeding the flames. I had no desire to sleep and no expectations of answers.

A bright red ember spun wildly out of the heated current of air. It stung my cheek to the point where I was certain my skin would blister.

"That's Your answer, isn't it God? More pain...always more pain."